WAIT...YOU'RE ENGAGED???

Like most guys, I put myself in some really bad situations for sex. Back when I was single, this girl I had hooked up with called me and said she had broken up with her man and now had a place of her own. Why the hell would you leave him? The guy was a model and worked for Apple. His abs were ridiculous, what else are you looking for? You weren't gonna find it with me. At that time I was bartending at club, had a mohawk, and a cat.

Anyways, I drove an hour away and finally arrived at her condo. She text me to wait in the lounge area, away from the front desk. I thought that was odd, but whatever. She peeked her head out of the elevator and told me to hurry up and get in. I didn’t know what the rush was, the concierge guy was looking at me weird because I kept eating all of the candy on the table. I started over analyzing the situation.

Was I not supposed to eat the candy? Then why the hell did they put it on the table in a big ass bowl? That asshole probably thinks I'm broke. It was just a couple of Kit-Kats, I should buy a bag and replace the ones I ate. Was he mad that I didn't eat that stupid candy corn, that's the worst. Anyone who likes candy corn was probably molested. Maybe they were for tenants only? Really, tenant only Kit-Kats? Just then my A.D.D. was interrupted, “DING” the elevator stopped and we had reached our floor.

We walked into her place and I noticed that there were moving boxes and pictures of her boyfriend up everywhere. Some of the pictures looked like engagement photos. I realized, this was his place and she had just moved in. Felt like I was on an episode of the show “Cheaters”. I was expecting a camera crew to come in with those bright lights and that greasy ass Italian guy wearing his perverted ass black trench-coat interrogating me, “What are you doing here? You have an obligation as a man to respect a woman’s relationship!” As try to leave and yell at his crew, “get that fucking camera out of my face!” But that didn't happen.

I simply asked, “I thought you said you broke up and lived on your own. It looks like you just moved in together.” She replied, “I never said we broke up, I told you we lived together.” That's weird, because you're straight up lying to my face. She said, “stop trippin and put on a movie. He just bought a bunch of brand new ones in that stack over there.” I kept thinking this is beyond wrong, I should leave...then I saw “White Men Can’t Jump” hidden like Waldo in the stack of DVD's.

Are you kidding me? I didn’t even know that was out on DVD. What if there is an alternate ending, deleted scenes, or even better a gag reel? I can't pass up on that. I memorized that movie, even the Jeopardy part when Rosie Perez says, “What is a quince." I knew it was wrong to open his new DVD, but the evil voices in my head rationalized my poor behavior. They kept saying, "You are doing him a favor. He’ll come home from a hard day of work at Apple and now he won’t have to deal with that stupid plastic wrapping or the hassle of actually putting it in the DVD player."

You're right, I'm opening up this DVD. I couldn’t concentrate on the movie though, I was freaking out and kept staring at the door. Her boyfriend was in phenomenal shape and if he catches me, over this 12 story balcony I go. I told her to call him to make sure he wasn’t coming home. She called and put the conversation on speaker, but each time he spoke she proceeded to give me head.

I thought two things. One, she was the fucking devil. Two, I should stop her…but I didn’t. The voice in my head rationalized the situation again, "What are you gay? You could die tomorrow then what? The whole time waiting in line to get into those pearly gates, you'll think why did I stop a girl from giving me head? You finally get to meet God and he asks, "What were you thinking yesterday? I put that woman there to give you one more day of enjoyment before joining me here in heaven.”

You're right voice in my head, I got the message loud and clear. I ain’t disappointing God over no blowjob. Plus the movie was at the part where Rosie Perez was naked, so it was like a threesome. I knew something greater was controlling this moment like Game 6 of the NBA Finals. I had to be like Ray Allen in the corner just react, stay calm, and follow through. Swish.

We hooked up and I went to the bathroom. On the way I noticed his closet and saw all these brand name clothes he had to be sponsored by. I thought, I should jack some of this shit…especially those jeans. But luckily I have a conscious. Not really, the only reason I didn't was because I held the jeans up to my waist and they were too big.

Dammit! I hate being so small. I sat on the couch and she offered to make me lunch. Like a gentleman I said, "yes, please." It was the best meal I had ever eaten.  I could taste the infidelity and betrayal with each bite of those fluffy Juevos Rancheros. Pass me the Tapatio please. Mmmmm, a couple more drops of treachery and ratchetness made that meal complete.

After I finished, she asked if I wanted one of his protein shakes? I thought about it. I had burned some calories during intercourse earlier and I was also trying to bulk up. Wait, was I doing chest and tris today, or was it back and shoulders? Don’t tell me it’s a fucking leg day? I can’t remember…whatever, give me the goddamn shake. It was at this moment as I was drinking the protein shake I thought to myself, I deserve to die if he walks through that door.

With each gulp of that delicious mango shake, I thought about what I had done: I opened a DVD he hasn't even watched yet, contemplated stealing his clothes, ate his food, and was now drinking one of his protein shakes in order to replenish the calories I just burned banging his girlfriend on his kitchen table. He probably would have been able to let everything slide; the DVD, the cheating, but the protein shake crossed the line. I can't blame him, I think I would have killed me at that point.