THE LEMON BAR

My girlfriend Steffi wanted a lemon bar at Plutos and said, "I wonder how much they are?" So like a gentleman, I go ask the female cashier and she says $2.10. I tell Steffi and she said "I don't want one after all"... but now I look like I can't afford the lemon bar to the girl at the register. Now I have to buy one just because she's gonna think I'm cheap and can't even afford to buy my girl a... pastry. I can't walk up to her and tell her, "hey just wanted to let you know I can afford the lemon bar, but my girl doesn't want it now." That's gonna seem like I really can't afford it and is probably something someone who is controlling and beats their girlfriends says.

Now the cashier is gonna post on her Facebook, "Guys need to treat girls the way they need to be treated. Give her what she wants or someone else will!!! #cheapasses" Then I'll run into that cashier later down the road and she'll be like...that's that cheap Asian I was talking about to her cop friend and then he pepper sprays and arrests me downtown for jaywalking. All he says is, "you like to treat women like shit huh? You make me sick you chink" before forcing me on my knees as a single tear rolls down my shivering cheek.

He then shoves his ice cold bitter stainless steel revolver into my mouth on J street, as parents watch and a Mexican kid spills his nerds on the urine infested pavement and a gay man in jean shorts roller blades right over them. Even the next day I was thinking I should go back when she is working and buy one, but then that will just look like I needed an entire day to come up with the $2.10 to buy the lemon bar, like I had to cash in cans or something. I'm screwed, I have to go back there and buy thirty of them now which is now a $63.00 purchase.