I love going to weddings. Especially if I know how the couple met, then I get to hear the maid of honor lie in her speech, “From the moment Angel and Anthony first met, I knew they were soulmates.” Soulmates? They met in the bathroom of a nightclub while doing coke off a baby changing station. This marriage will last three months, then I’m taking my toaster back. That thing cooks four bagels at a time.