BLACKED OUT ON A TUESDAY

Here's a blown story. I got drunk and blacked out with my friend Gabe recently. I do remember being in Zebra Club talking to a ghetto ass Mexican dude selling Norco's. He said he had a 1,000 and showed me a whole zip lock bag full of them. Since I like to lie and mess with people I said, "That’s it? Just 1,000? That’s cool you’re movin that shit, but you need to step your game up homie and start pushin that Meth. I know dudes movin’ duffle bags of that shit." I absolutely don’t know anyone that sells Meth, but again I’m a liar.

He was so convinced, as I schooled him on the drug game I knew nothing about. Most of my information came from Breaking Bad and Scarface. Gabe was busy talking to people at the bar so every time I said, “ain’t that right Gabe??” he would just agree, making me even more legit. I made him try his own product in front of me because that’s what drug lords do in movies. He gave me half of one, but I’m fake as hell so I put it in my back pocket and acted like I took it. I told him to take his and he washed the Norco down with a shot of Jager. The Mexican dude seemed so depressed after my conversation with him about how much he isn’t doing it in this city. I took another shot and this is where I started blacking out…

This is what Gabe told me happened mixed with parts of the night I remember. Apparently, Gabe and I wrestled each other on someone's lawn in likeI was 19, and then took a LYFT to Safeway on 19th.We got some food and then walked to my place. I live nearby in a loft that has three other tenants. We get to my door and I realize I lost my jacket that had my keys and cell phone in it. We’re locked out. I calmly look at Gabe and say, "Kick it in." He was like, “What?” I was still in my Scarface movie mode, so I said, "You can't hear? Kick in my fu-ck-ing door." He tries but can’t. We leave the groceries we bought in front of my door. We head back to Safeway and on the way out I see he spilled an entire family size bag nacho cheese Doritos all over my steps and hallway. Straight up disrespectful.

Gabe takes a LYFT home and leaves me, but I am still locked out with no phone. It’s cold outside and I don’t know where to go, so I start walking around Safeway. I was still hammered and could tell security was watching me. I didn’t want to get kicked out, so I decide to buy something to look less suspicious. I grabbed one of those big green bean casseroles. Security kept an eye on me in line, so I offered to buy them something. I thought I sounded fine, but I was slurring and pointing a Reese’s peanut butter cup at them while I was talking. If you point food at people while they talk, you’re a dick.

I went back to my place and dropped off the green bean casserole in front of my door. I wasn’t gonna keep carrying that shit around. Now in front of my door was an empty bag of Doritos, Reese’s peanut butter cups, a green bean casserole, and two other bags from Safeway filled with the stuff we bought earlier. It was freezing in the hallway and I thought I could hop my neighbor’s balcony to get into my place. Great idea Robert. I knocked on my neighbor’s door. No biggie, it was only like 4:00 AM and I never met them before. She answered and I introduced myself before saying, “I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I need to get on your balcony.” She said, "Fuck no, it’s 4:00 AM." I am officially “Creep of the Year.”

I went back to Safeway and walked around the grocery store for another hour. Security wasn’t watching me, but to avoid suspicion I still bought a family size thing of pre-cooked loaded mashed potatoes. I went back to my place and dropped off the mashed potatoes with the other groceries. It was still too cold in the hallway, so I went back to Safeway and this time Starbucks was open. I was still drunk, so I got some coffee. I felt like I needed some positive karma, so I stood in line and paid for the next three customers that came up. I stood at the register and every time a customer’s total came up I would say, “I got that.” The barista would have to explain, "Don't worry, he's been doing this for half an hour." It was 6:30 AM and I still hadn’t slept.

I left and walked back to my place. The sun was out and I decided to knock on my other neighbor’s door. He answered and let me get through to my place using his balcony. I got into my place, grabbed all the groceries in front of my door, took a shower, and passed out. I awoke to Gabe saying, “Thank God you’re here.” I didn’t know what the hell was going on. He has my phone and jacket, but I don’t remember anything except Zebra Club.

He tells me what happened and I start to remember parts of the night. We swapped phones on accident last night, so he used an app to locate his phone. When he pulled up to the address there was a note stapled to a tree that said, “If you lost your phone and jacket call this number…” He called it and a guy came outside and said he found the jacket on his lawn. I must have taken it off when we wrestled.

I started remembering everything, but was pissed. I told him how disrespectful he was for leaving me and making a mess with the Doritos in the hallway. He said, “Are you kidding me?” I said, “No, I’m not. That shits not cool man.” He started laughing and said, “You don’t remember what happened? You told me to kick in your door and I couldn’t. Then you ripped open the bag of Doritos, threw them everywhere, and started stomping on them like a maniac. I tried to get you to come back to my place, but you kept saying no. I went home, but had no idea what happened to you. I had to call Steffi this morning.”

What did you even say to her? I just said, “Hey Steffi, ummmm…this is Gabe…don’t panick, but have you heard from Robert today? I went out with him last night, we got locked out, and I don’t know where he is.” Great, how the hell am I going to explain all that to her? Gabe left and I went next door to apologize to my neighbor. I knocked on his door and gave him a gift card to Starbucks. He said, "Dude, it's all good. I work the graveyard shift, so I got home this morning. I saw the groceries and chips everywhere and thought a homeless person broke in and had a party."