NUMBER 2 PENCILS

Every time I ever took an exam the instructor always said, "you must use a Number 2 pencil." I've never owned anything besides a Number 2 pencil. I never saw anyone scramble through their backpack after that statement in a panic because they had a Number 3 pencil in their hand. 

I have a feeling that Number 1 and 3 pencils don't even exist. I bet if I start looking into it I'll be walking through midtown, a black van will open their sliding door, and five guys in black suits will kidnap me. Then they'd take me to an abandon warehouse, tie me to a chair between huge stacks of rusted barrels, and shove a Gala Apple in my mouth.

Then some vague Russian guy, sitting in a red leather chair with his back to me, hair five inches off his head because he blow dried it on high, will gently ash his cigar, and emit a cloud of smoke into the air. He says, "why you look for trouble? This...Number 3 Pencil business...is...none of your business." I get annoyed that he used the word "business" twice, so closely together in the same sentence. It really took away from the impact it would have had if he rephrased it. Plus a modern red leather chair? That means he bought it at IKEA, put it together with that stupid Alan Wrench that has fifty screws for no reason, and had someone roll it over to this exact spot between the barrels before I got here. 

A guy in the black suit removes the apple from my mouth. I catch my breath and say, "I just wanted to know." He laughs devilishly, "he wanted to know. It's not your concern Chinese boy! Stick to your kimono's and Tapatio." I reply, "First of all, I'm not Chinese. Second, you're mixing up stereotypes with your big ass hair. Why do you have so much bounce on that wig on a Friday? You should really write your speech out and have someone take a look at it." He yells, "silence! You know not what you are seeking. Number 1 & 3 pencils have been protected by our secret society for centuries." 

I say, "Yeah? Well, enough pencil talk my dude. I gotta dip. I have a dentist appointment in an hour and I have to brush and floss before I get there. Just so they can watch me lie to their face when they ask, "how often do you floss?" and I say, "three times per day." Nobody flosses three times per day except serial killers, psychos, and people that leave Yelp Reviews. Then the dentist and his assistant give each other that, "that's odd..." face smirk.

Don't you dare stand over me, while my mouth is pried open with that suction vacuum thing, and give each other the fake concerned face. Gimme my complimentary plastic toothbrush travel pack, with the stupid yellow rubber duck in it like I'm five, so I can leave before I get a parking ticket at one of those meters they installed, just so I can help pay for this god damn arena after they traded our best player for nothing."