GIRLFRIENDS AND CLOTHES

You know what I noticed about girls?  You get in a relationship with them and they want to dress you all stupid, so no other girl will find you attractive.  I went clothes shopping with my girlfriend and everything I picked out my girlfriend would say "that's ugly?"  Really?  I managed to get you picking out my own clothes, I think you just don't want me to have options.  Later down the line we have a kid, I get fat, and you break up with me. 

Now I'm divorced, out of shape, have to pay child support, and dress terribly so I end up alone.  One day I'm online looking at pornography like any other American and I accidentally click on an underage video on accident because the Iphone screen is too small and I meant to hit close the pop up advertisement not open it.  The video starts to load and next thing you know the FEDS are at my door and I have a pistol in my mouth.  My ex-girlfriend picked out all of my clothes so I don't dress well anymore, and look terrible in my mug shot.  They show my photo on the news and I look like a pedophile because of the clothes I was convinced to buy.  If I did you might have seen the mug shot and thought, "He doesn't look like he would be into that, maybe he is innocent."  Too late now, it is an open and shut case. 

Now I'm in prison and have to work my way up the ranks in an Asian gang.  I never wanted to kill anyone, but now I am sitting in a cafeteria trembling with a homemade shank in my hand.  I get up to take a swing at the target and he blocks it then knocks me out.  Now I'm in intensive care and wake up and I can't change the channel on the television and it is showing a marathon of "Honey Boo Boo". 

On a side note, if you are a guy and wear matching clothes with your girl, I don't respect you and assume you TiVo the Kardashians. Which is bad because it's already on demand on Comcast, which means you couldn't wait the extra day to see the latest episode