Wait...You're Engaged? Part II
I wrote a previous story about hooking up with a girl who had a boyfriend. Since there's two sides to every story, I re-wrote it from her perspective:
Like most women, I put myself in some really bad situations when I’m emotional. I was going through some problems with my boyfriend and called ten guys before almost giving up. I finally scrolled through my phone to find Robert Omoto who I had hooked up with a while back. The sex was incredible, every movement was…wait that was another guy. Robert was the guy who tried to spit on his own dick, missed, and ended up bitching about his wet socks. I hope he doesn’t text me back.
Dammit, he texted me back within seconds and said he was down to kick it “ASAP”. Calm down there little fella, Jesus. I can’t believe I'm going to sleep with a guy that text “ASAP”. I had him come over because I wasn't about to drive an hour to not climax.
At the time I was with a guy who worked for Apple and was a model. Not sure what else I was looking for, but I wasn’t going to find it with this Asian guy who looked tiny stepping out of his car. His clothes were too big for him, does he know he should be wearing a medium and not a large? I should tell him, but I wasn’t about to start training a mediocre booty call on how to be a man.
I told him to wait in the lobby away from the front desk. I get downstairs to see this idiot is pacing back and forth eating all of the goddamn Kit-Kats on the table. I’ve never seen anyone eat that candy, it’s been sitting there for months and there was chocolate all over his teeth. Why would you eat chocolate right before you see me, were you even trying to get laid? Strike one asshole. Wait a minute, is this dipshit wearing Axe Body Spray? How long did his dumbass hold the button down for? Strike two! My vagina was literally getting drier with every second that I looked at him. I swear to God if this douche talks about getting bottle service in a club I am faking my period and sending him on his merry way back down I-80. Why does he keep staring at the ceiling, oh my god this fucker has A.D.D.
We get in my condo and he immediately starts looking at everything. Then he said, “I thought you said you broke up with your boyfriend and lived on your own.” I replied, “I never said we broke up, I told you we lived together.” I kept thinking, “You should stop talking with that hot ass Kit-Kat breath.”
I told him to put on a DVD and what does this jackass do? He opens a brand new one, why would you do that? There were a bunch of opened ones and he chooses the movie “White Men Can’t Jump”, now I have to come up with an explanation when my man gets home. No girl would watch that movie alone. God dammit, that’s borderline strike three you disrespectful fishead.
He was scared my man was gonna come home and kept staring at the door like a pussy. So I called my boyfriend at work and went down on him so he wouldn’t say anything to ruin my relationship. Jesus Christ, did this pervert spray his nuts with Axe too? If failure had a flavor then that’s what his dick tasted like.
After I got off the phone, we ended up hooked up and I faked two orgasms. He kept staring at Rosie Perez on the T.V. like a fucking creep. I think this guy watches too much porn, he kept saying stupid ass phrases like, “Whose is it Ma?” I wanted to say, “Well it’s not yours bitch. My boyfriend is way bigger then you and I can barely feel anything. You better go in sideways because whatever you doing ain’t working. Did you just call me Ma?" I did scream once but it was because I had a cramp in my leg.
He went to the bathroom and I saw him walk into the closet. What the hell is he doing? He'd better not be trying to steal anything. I thought he would leave, so I started making lunch for myself. Instead he awkwardly hung around, so I offered him some eggs. He ate everything before I was even halfway done with mine and didn’t even offer to wash his dish. Where the hell was this asshole raised?
He looked, tired but it couldn't be from the sex because he couldn't have used that much energy in four minutes. I didn't have any Red Bull, so I offered him an expired protein shake. The company that made the shake recently recalled them due to causing vomiting and anal leakage. Maybe I should tell him. Wait, fuck him he didn't even offer to wash his dish. He did help me realize what else is out there: disrespectful, Kit-Kat eating, mohawk wearing, DVD opening, starving ass thieves who drive cars that are way too big for them. I'm good little man you're welcome for the protein shake.