THE MORNING AFTER PILL

Back in the day, I went to Rite Aid to buy the morning after pill as a result of $2 Patron shots on a Thursday night. The pharmacist told me they ran out. I said, "What? Wait, you can't run out of that. You can run out of peanut butter or birthday cards, but out of everything in here that's THE one thing you can't run out." I left and we stopped at McDonald's before going to another Rite Aid where I paid $40 for the pill. I got back in the car and handed her the pill.

She looked hung-over, emotionally stressed, and embarrassed. So I figured I would provide some words of comfort, "Hey, I can't imagine what you’re feeling and I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I am going to need to see you swallow that pill in front of me right now. That's why I paid extra for the orange juice at McDonald's remember?" She looked at me like she was going to slap me and said she would later. I shook my head and said, "Yeah...that's not gonna work for me. It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust any girl period. Not to be an asshole, but it did cost me $40."

She opened her carton of OJ and looked down at the pill. I sat at the edge of my seat in suspense, like a detective with a suspect who is about to confess in "The First 48". She swallowed the pill and then threw the McDonald's bag at me. The ride home for her was awkward, but I felt like Jordan when he hit the game winner against Utah in game six, hand extended...crowd silent.

When we got to her place she stepped out of the car with her high heels, sun glistening off the Patron filled sweat beads seeping through her pores, and wearing a pair of my old basketball shorts. Don't worry it wasn't my good pair, it was one with no pockets. I hate basketball shorts with no pockets. I end up having to tuck my keys and wallet into my boxers when I walk to the gym. Either way it's her problem now. She goes to close the door and I said the most famous guy phrase of all time, "Aight then, Imma hit you up later."

She slammed the door and I felt terrible, but just as I hung my head in disappointment I saw the McDonald's bag she threw at me. Are you kidding me? She forgot the bag, meaning I just came up on a McMuffin and an extra hash brown. I never order enough hash browns, those things are delicious. I drove off into the sun and as my throat became parched from the extra hash brown I looked to my right and saw she left her OJ as well. I normally hate pulp, but not on this day. Unfortunately I never saw her again, but if I do I want my fucking shorts back.