HOME SECURITY CAMERA FOR YOUR IPHONE!! FINALLY!!

I saw an infomercial for a camera in your house which can be monitored from your Iphone, so you can make sure it doesn't get burglarized and your kids get home safely. It showed a mom smiling as she looked at her Iphone when her daughter walked in and locked the door. Thank god, home safe. What if that isn't what you see? Let’s be more realistic here.  What you would see is your teenage daughter coming home, her eyes red from smoking some of the prescribed weed she stole from your sock drawer in the morning.  She appears to be home safe and just as you were about to turn   your phone off she waves in a 17 year old teenage boy. 

He goes through your fridge and grabs the leftover tri-tip you were looking forward to eating after work to make a delicious sandwich. He heats up some olive oil, 1/4 cup red onion (chopped), 1 teaspoon garlic, 1/8 cup white wine, 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce, 2 1/2 cups beef broth, and 1 teaspoon flour.  Wait a minute, did he just eat the last of my bread and make his own Au Jus dip from scratch?  You get upset, but can’t deny that was one hell of recipe.  You write it down, damn that Au Jus looked amazing.  

He rummages through your cabinets and finds a bottle of Patron Silver.  He then grabs some triple sec, lime juice, and sweet and sour. He makes his own margarita and even layers it with the last of your Chambord Liqueur. You keep thinking how does this teenager know how to do all of this shit?  He walks back to the living room to join your daughter on the couch with his refreshing rocks margarita, restaurant quality sandwich, and Au Jus made to perfection. God damn that recipe. 

He kicks his feet up on the table and grabs the remote and begins scrolling through your DVR. He deletes all of your shows and sets recordings for CNN, Discovery, and National Geographic.  He shakes his head in disgust as the afternoon reports of the NASDAQ come in, angrily pointing at the TV.  Hold on…I’m an adult and know nothing about stocks; does this kid have investments gaining profitable returns? 

The boy gently rubs your daughter’s leg and your heart beats with infuriation, then she slaps him. You are relieved and feel inherently proud you raised a responsible daughter.  You look back at your phone and she slaps him again and they start making out. She claps twice and all of the lights go out, she claps once more and a dimly lit fluorescent light in the corner of the room comes on.  You didn't even know you had the clapper or fluorescent lighting.  Who installed all of this shit? 

You watch furiously and call her cell phone as you continue to watch the video. You see her pick up her phone, laugh, and then clear your call.  You want to leave work to catch her, but you can't because you used your last vacation days going to your cousin’s bachelorette party in San Francisco last weekend.  That same party where she lost her cell phone, got kicked out of a karaoke bar for yelling something racist, and then threw up on your shoes.

You continue to watch the video and pray your daughter makes a wise decision.  He moves his hand up her shirt, but she grabs his wrist and screams, "NO”. You breathe a sigh of relief. She gets up and you think great she is finally going to kick this Au Jus cooking, well educated, financially stable bastard out.  She goes up stairs and brings down a stainless steel briefcase.  She opens it up, but you can't see. Then you zoom in…oh my god…my daughter owns… A BALL GAG.  She proceeds to pull out a leather swing and fastens it to the ceiling using a one of those small wrenches you get at IKEA to assemble everything.  You are confused.  Does IKEA sell leather sex swings? No they don't, but the ones in Germany do.  We all know how Germany likes to get down. 

Luckily you made this wonderful home video security purchase to see that not only is your daughter home safely, she is into S&M which has now scarred you for life.  You weren't prepared to see your daughter pouring hot wax on some teenage boys chest like they were both in a fucking Ricky Martin video.  You close the camera app in disgust just as you receive a text from your daughter, “Hey mom, got home safe.  Sorry phone was on silent, just home studying.  I made some Au Jus for you and cleaned up the house.  I even scrubbed the couch!”  Now you can't even finish that $5 foot long sweet onion chicken teriyaki sandwich from Subway you went into overdraft for.   No thank you home video camera, I’d rather get robbed.